Hi i'm hanan. Narcissist with self-esteem issues //// sleep is my second lover. 16.

" W E W E R E A L L F L O W E R S "
" B U T I ' M T H E O N L Y
F L O W E R L E F T "

slowly finding blame in myself for everything that's happening. they say it's a vicious cycle. i can't seem to find anyone else to blame though.

even if i was getting hit by another person's fist, i'd think it's myself that's throwing that hit.

it's unsettling and oddly comforting. like some sort of reassurance that in the end, the only person truly getting hurt is me. i will hurt those around me, i will affect the hearts that look out for me.

but no one will hurt as much as me, who blames herself.

it's like some sort of definitive point in this uncertain, undefined life.
oddly comforting. oddly filling. all while making me feel emptier.

i'm trying to remind myself of the small things that make me happy. their presence is fleeting and temporary, but they make me happy nonetheless. happy. it could be just for a moment. but for a moment to feel some bliss, is better than none. i'm slowly learning to accept and adapt -- things that are hard to come by for me. i am very resistant and rebellious to the grain. sometimes it benefits me, most of the time not. however, at the same time, the more scars you gain, the more you learn about yourself and others. it may not be the things you'd want to hear, but you become more knowledgable about the world around you and yourself. sometimes it raises more questions than it gives you answers, and that has been my journey so far.

i know i'm young, i'm always reminded every time i talk about my "teenage" dilemmas or conflicts. i guess wanting to die over anything else is a phase. hm. regardless, i'm well aware of the fact that i'm only 16 turning 17 but i believe emptiness has no bounds, no regulation -- it does itself unto anyone is pleases, anyone who invites it in. my largest conflicts lie in decision of whether to talk to someone very close to me about my problems and go seek professional help, or silently struggle and hope that i come out alive -- even if in pieces -- at the end. i decide to go with the latter as i am afraid. i'm afraid to hurt my parents' feelings. my family's. my friend's. or that of those i suppose i call friends.

it's not the best method. it's probably the last thing you're supposed to do because i'm pretty sure there is a direct correlation between the problems keep within yourself and how close death is around the corner. but i feel like the only person going to get hurt in the process is me. and that is the safest option, others won't get hurt, if they do, they won't come out as jagged if i do drag them down with my problematic self.

despite all this, and despite all the staggering progress, i am slowly learning acceptance and profound happiness. it's not coming at me in full blast mode, but i see fragments of them in the things i do. i still feel like dying sometimes, still feel like becoming a robot and carrying on without purpose, still feel like sleeping all day until i don't wake up anymore. but i am learning to move on from my former self while still dragging my corpse with me. one day, i'll be able to drop this and feel superior to my former self. feel like i've shed my old skin. feel the air.

breathe in and out. it's a blessing to be able to do so. and i remind myself this everyday.