i have a docile nature. i always have, and i feel like i always will. i don't know how it came to be, sometimes i think that it's something heredity or predetermined in the womb. but things like this are more or less from nurture, rather than nature. 

honestly, it's sometimes quite a pain to have such a docile nature. sure, on top of being docile, i am inherently nice and giving and all those great things to be as a human, but i find myself always being stomped on, and rather than being upfront and stopping the matter when it comes to light, i just let it happen. just like that, it becomes a vicious cycle.

but then i think to myself, how much better would it be if i was always making it go my way and being assertive all the time, it must be irritating as well, no? then the idea of moderation comes to light. 

moderation doesn't seem to exist in my book. it sounds ridiculous, but i really can be a person of such black and white qualities. it sounds more detrimental than it can tend to be, because in real life, you don't really pick it up and realise that it's causing you much harm. but it only takes one realisation for it to eat at you for the rest of your life.

black and white. my two favourite colours. sometimes, or most of the time, a horrible disposition to have. one should be balanced between being aggressive, upfront and forever docile. 

breathe in. breathe out. remember everything is a process.

nothing lasts forever, neither will this. it's ok. i think it'll work itself out. i will work it out.

happiness is a process. it requires a lot of work, but the end result is worth it. i hope i make it to the end. i hope i won't waste anymore time than i already have on people that won't look at me twice. i guess all i have to say is that i'll try my best. hopefully i'll reach what they call 'true happiness'.

on a side note, i probably make everything sound way too melodramatic. sometimes i can't help it though, i'm not very good with words, especially putting things into words when i am a person learn from seeing and hearing. words have never been my forte. sometimes i feel that i say too much, sometimes i feel that i completely miss the point, sometimes i underestimate the value of the situation by using the wrong words or words not impacting enough. the overall situation frustrates me to no end, regardless of whatever dilemma i am facing. but i feel that by writing/typing out my frustration, i will be able to form a train of thought from the jumble of fuckery that happens in my head. it's therapeutic, for lack of a better word. hopefully in the process of becoming happier and a better person, i'll improve my atrocious grammar and awkward, choppy flow that i can never seem to fix no matter how much i reread my work. 

xx